Be A Student of Your Student

I'm Sorry.  Please Forgive Me.

I can think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry, please forgive me” often feels like it costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix it, instead of intentional reconciliation.

Unfortunately, not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know that they are the one who did something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.

Saying I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

What is it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology and the one actually apologizing?

Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones.…

So, the next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker a friend or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to stay connected to and vulnerable with that person is on the line too. The words “I’m sorry, please forgive me” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!

TRY THIS

The action point for this series is pretty straightforward: Apologize to your student.

But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?

First of all, admit that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally. And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions is incredibly important.

Secondly, a sincere and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused. But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your student says, “I’m really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full responsibility for your actions.

And lastly, there should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the action that hurt them in the first place.

Take some time to think through what a meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry, please forgive me.  Take that last step of asking for forgiveness.  Asking for forgiveness puts the ball in their court for true healing and restoration of what happened.  

Collide: Who Are We?

Parents, 

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

The Bible is a big story. It’s the story of the beginning. It’s the story of God’s people. It’s the story of a great rescue. And, ultimately, it’s the story of you and me—and the love God has for His people. Each part of God’s story is richly connected to the next and has something to say to every one of us. So, let’s take a journey through the story and discover a God who has something to say to us, here and now, through a story that started “In the beginning.”  We have spend the last 2 weeks and will spend the next 4 weeks walking through "Who We Are."  In the youth room, there are 5 different colored chairs up on stage.  They each mean something different about who we are in our relationship with The Lord.  The 5 chairs are the following:  "Don't Know Jesus. Know Jesus. Follow Jesus. Serve Jesus. Change Your World."  Every single student is sitting in one of those chairs.  We are walking through each chair in hopes of encouraging them to take their next step along those chairs.  For instance, if they do not know Jesus, we pray that by the end of this discussion they will make a decision to know Jesus.  Here is the "Bottom Line" for this Sunday Night:  God initiated a promise with His people even though they didn't deserve it.  (Genesis 12:1-3, 15:1-6)

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Have you ever noticed how a good movie or book can draw you in? How it can offer you something unique? Something big? Something more? A good story has the ability to make you feel connected to something bigger than yourself. Whether it’s a true story of someone else’s struggle or a comedy cataloging the silly antics of a make-believe character, a good story allows us to both escape reality and capture it at the same time.

This is true for adults and for our students. It’s why so many teenagers flock to see the latest Twilight or Hunger Games movie. As one Relevant Magazine article puts it, “To get right down to it, stories like Star Wars illustrate the deep longings of humankind …” (http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/film/features/3148-the-force-of-truth-star-wars).

You might even say that in these stories we find a piece of ourselves—we find something to identify with that makes us feel like we can know ourselves a little bit better.

An excerpt from a recent Psychology Today article pinpoints exactly what this looks like for teenagers (to read the full article, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/movies-and-the-mind/201212/praising-the-lord-the-rings-in-anticipation-the-hobbit):

Psychologists such as Dan McAdams (The Stories We Live By) argue that identity is inherently narrative. Fundamental questions such as “Who am I?” are answered through the stories we [speak] out about ourselves. Stories about our struggles, our triumphs, our loves, and our hates combine into the sum total of our sense of self. For most people, these identity stories really emerge in adolescence. Certainly younger children tell stories, but their stories tend to be loose and episodic. In adolescence, people start trying to tell stories that put all the pieces of what they do and think together into a more or less coherent whole.

One of the things I was doing in early adolescence was reading Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. It immersed me in a strange world that only vaguely mirrored my own, yet the archetypal motifs of the quest, wisdom, heroism, and evil were instantly familiar. Tolkien transformed these motifs into a series of tales that idealized friendship, loyalty, endurance, sacrifice and compassion, and these themes were woven into my identity.

Books, movies, music, television shows—the things of culture—matter to students, because they identify a piece of themselves in the stories being told. They feel connected to something bigger while simultaneously discovering something more about themselves. And we, as parents, have the potential to tap into that—not only to learn about our students, but teach them a bit about ourselves as well. When we learn about the stories that matter to them and share our own stories, we grow in understanding and this gives us amazing relational leverage.

3. Action Point-Parent Challenge!

For this Action Point, there are two opportunities for you to connect with your student around this idea of story and identity. You can choose whichever one feels the most comfortable for you, or find time to do both.

Option A: Find out from your student what their favorite movie is and then sit down and watch it together. After the movie, take some time to talk about some of the themes that were present (good versus evil, brokenness and redemption, good choices versus bad choices, etc.) and then ask your student why they like that particular movie. What connects with them the most? What do they feel when they watch it? You can make this conversation casual and comfortable. Don’t force it, or it might start to feel like another homework assignment. The goal is to simply have a dialogue with your student to discover more about who they are and give them a chance to share their favorite story with you.

Option B: Just as learning about oneself through stories is an important process of adolescence, so is learning about the story of our parents. Take some time to share your own story with your son or daughter. When did you first discover how much God loved you? When did you make a decision to follow Jesus? Who or what played a role in that decision? Share about your faith journey so that your student can begin to understand your story as an important part of their own. 

Students & Technology

Parents (written in October 2012),

Over the past year or so, I have really wrestled with technology.  There are so many benefits to cell phones, the Internet, and iPods.  However, there are numerous pitfalls as well.  I had no intention of writing an article to send you, but these thoughts have been laid on my heart to the degree in which I could not keep silent any longer.  So, I write this article for myself, in desire to be a greater God-honoring Student Pastor.  Additionally, I write this article in hopes that I may be able to encourage and equip you as you live to follow God and parent your children.  So, I truly pray you take the time to read this tremendously valuable information. 

Texting, Tweeting, & Technology:  What You Don’t Want to Know

I could probably look up a bunch of statistics on students with cell phones, Facebook or Twitter accounts, or the number of texts a student sends a month (which I know: ~4,000, over 130/day).  However, I am not interested in that.  I want to offer some of my observations I witness from watching students interact with technology.   These are simply my observations on the heartbeat of students right now.  Then we can look at how we can help encourage them, keep them accountable, and maturing spiritually. 

This Should Scare You

Some of your kids may not even have cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, etc.  However, if you are getting this email, they most likely have access to the Internet once in a while.  Did you know that anyone could get online and look at pornography without much effort?  If nothing else, kids can watch inappropriate/sensual YouTube videos or Google an image they want in a matter of seconds.  If they have a cell phone with a data plan, that is always at their fingertips—even for the most disciplined of kids.  Don’t think you are off the hook if your child only has an iPod Touch; students can use those to do everything a cell phone with a data plan has (except make phone calls). 

I send out mass texts to students every week reminding them about church on Sunday mornings and nights.  Within the past month, a student accidently replied to me instead of someone else saying, “I will send you one (a picture), but not a naked one.” Man!  I sure was surprised with that reply!  All I did was let them know about church!  After showing my supervisor the text, I got to have a great conversation with this student to hear the inside scoop.  She told me that it is very common for guys to ask girls for pictures of themselves (clothed and nude).  She went on to say she would never do that (Praise God!), but continued to explain how common it is for guys to ask and for girls to give them the pictures.  Then she said, “Guys that go to church (our church and others) are not exempt from doing this either.” 

Did You Know?

Students used to use Facebook all the time; however, within the past year, many of them have left for Twitter and/or Instagram.  I only really use Facebook (and Twitter) to observe what people say.  After I got a Twitter account (July), I realized how quiet Facebook is from the standpoint of students sharing information, feelings, and thoughts.  My guess:  Twitter is simple, like texting, but has the benefits of Facebook (and without parents being on it, for the most part). 

In our society today, First Church Students…

   ·      Make everything public (the good, the bad, and the ugly)

   ·      Spill their personal junk! (on Twitter/Facebook/somewhere)

   ·      Use texting/Twitter/Facebook to receive instant gratification

   ·      Use unhealthy means whenever they are lonely (mostly at night via texting)

   ·      Are up late into the night/early morning on Twitter/Facebook

   ·      Struggle with having serious conversations in person, but will text me afterwards to share what they couldn’t tell me face-to-face

All of this information is not just my general thoughts about students today, but this is seen even from students who call First Church home (middle and high school). 

So What Do We Do?

Some of you may be hoping that I just say get rid of all technology!  I would be all for that, except then we would have kids who are more rebellious towards us.  So, how do we make these two co-exist and not destroy their hearts in the process?

Internet—The amazing opportunities the Internet has are incredible!  There are so many great things that come from this, yet like most of life, there are also many pitfalls. 

Cell Phones—These are awesome!  I used to have to call my parents “Collect” when I was done with practice early to get a ride home (of course, they would never accept the call).  Now students can simply send a text and be on their way!  Yet, so many people, of all ages, are strongly attached to devices today.  Good or bad, it’s true. 

iPod Touch—If a kid cannot get their hands on a cell phone, this is the next best thing!  It is almost better because they are not forced to make phone calls and can simply text their friends wherever there is Wi-Fi (which isn’t hard to find these days). 

Don’t get me wrong, I love technology!  I can send texts to 150+ students about Student Ministries meetings within a matter of minutes!  We have the ability to be so interconnected and have so much information at our fingertips!  Yet, I feel like because of technology, we are often not present with the people who are in the same room. 

7 Ways to Encourage Healthiness

   1.     Set the Example:  If you are on your phone or Internet when you are around your kids, they believe they have every right to do the same.

   2.     Times to Say No:  God did not create us to be wired constantly, so teach your kids that it is healthy to be unplugged for periods of time (at the dinner table, after 9pm when they are most lonely, etc.)  Have a place where you keep all of the electronics/cell phones in a common room or your room at night so they are not tempted to use them instead of sleep (Twitter and Facebook have this great device that allows you to see what time things are posted; I can tell who sleeps and who is on their phone in the middle of the night).

   3.     Open-Book Policy:  This is HUGE!  My guess is that you are paying for their cell phone bill, and if nothing else you are paying for them to live under your roof.  With that comes certain rules and responsibilities.  One of those rules must be an open-book policy with all electronic devices!  Why would we not keep our kids accountable for their actions?  Just like we may be concerned with a certain boy/girl our child is dating, that relationship quickly escalates because of texting/image sending, much faster than any other means.  So, have access to their phone whenever you choose—look through their web browsing history (If your child will not let you look at their Internet history or if it is cleared, or certain parts of the history is removed, it is very likely they are struggling with pornography).  Also, read their text messages (don’t let them delete them first) and see who they are talking with.  Also, I know of a parent who told me he doesn’t have a Twitter account, but his son’s account is on his phone (you can have multiple Twitter accounts on your phone and switch between them very easily).  Have access to their Facebook and Twitter accounts.  Both my mother and my wife have my password to my accounts.  Why would I not want to keep myself accountable?  Plus, my mother uses my Facebook to keep up with our extended family. 

   4.     Communication Skills:  Fast food places are struggling with hiring teenagers because they cannot find capable individuals who can look a customer in the eyes and communicate effectively with them.  Kids are more apt to have serious conversations hidden behind screens.  We need to teach them what healthy communication looks like face-to-face and to handle conflict face-to-face.

   5.     Photos:  This one is kind of scary.  As you check through their phone, look through their photo album.  Ask them about the pictures they send/receive or what people ask of them when texting.  Sending inappropriate pictures via text is a very serious crime. 

   6.     Struggles:  We all struggle; we all walk through hard times.  This life can often get us down.  Life seemed a lot easier as an elementary kid, but somewhere along the lines, life changed.  However, that does not mean we have to let Satan win!  Communicate with your child; encourage them to seek healthy ways to share their struggles and loneliness.  Have a close enough relationship with your child to encourage them to share with you about their struggles.  Then, also encourage them to share with a trusted adult.  We have 30+ adults that serve with students every single week just at First Church.  There are people who love them and who will listen to them. 

   7.     MOST IMPORTANT:  Do all of these things out of love, not out of a desire to catch them doing something wrong.  We need to let our kids know this as well; otherwise, we will simply be viewed as the parent patrol.  DO NOT march into their room as soon you finish reading this and demand to see their cell phone.  It must be done in relationship, out of love, not because we said so because we are the boss.

Great Resources:

XXXWatch.com is a FREE application that anyone can install on computers and smart phones.  For an additional small fee, anyone can subscribe to Covenant Eyes, which has better support and more detailed reports.  They can literally see all the apps installed on a device and every site that has been visited, even if the kid deletes history. 

Also, there is great information on how to respond to these issues with your child at http://www.xxxchurch.com/help.html. 

Tim Elmore’s blog on leading the next generation:  http://growingleaders.com/blog.  Also, this specific article is great as we learn more about the consequences of technology:  http://growingleaders.com/blog/the-unintended-consequences-of-technology/#more-5641.

I know for Verizon, you get online and see all the text messages and pictures that cell phones have sent or received. 

Final Thoughts

Kids are very smart.  They know how to get away with things.  My goal is not to try to catch them in everything they do wrong.  However, I do believe much growth comes through being held accountable.  I want these students to know that we hold them to a higher standard.  Please contact me if you have any questions, comments, or concerns.  I have an open door policy, feel free to stop by anytime. 

The BEST is yet to come,

Luke Diehl

Fall Kick-Off!

Collide Fall Kick-Off is right around the corner!

Sunday, September 15th, we kick-off Sunday PM at First Church from 6:00-7:30pm!

Doors open at 5:30pm (door 11 or 15 will get you to the Youth Worship Center).

Summer Calendar

Below is a link to the First Church Students Summer Calendar:

Summer Calendar 2013


Below is a link to our end of the year video for the Student Ministries:

Collide 2012-2013 Video

Improving Communication with Your Teenager

• Improving Communication with Your Teenager

By Jim Burns, Ph.D.

When I speak at parenting conferences, I usually ask parents how many moms and dads are enjoying good communication with their teenagers. About 5 percent raise their hands. So if you are having trouble communicating with your teen, apparently you are in the vast majority.

So, if you are looking for ways to improve communication with your teen, here are five of my top tips…

1. Make mealtime family time. My good friend David Lynn is a counselor in Tuscon, Arizona, and coined the phrase, “Make mealtime family time.” He has helped to bring to light overwhelming research showing that teenagers who dine regularly at home with their families are more satisfied with life. They are better students, are less likely to be sexually promiscuous, and tend to be much less involved with drug and alcohol abuse. Hectic schedules make dining together difficult, but the rewards make this a family tradition to cherish. A family I know, the Terrys, builds on this tradition every Monday night with an “ice cream run.” I think the emphasis is more on the ice cream than the “run” part. It apparently works, though. You might think the novelty would wear off, but they tell me the family has gone out for ice cream for years and the teenagers never seem to have other things going on Monday nights.

2. Make bedtime communication time. I found that one of the best times to have good communication with my teens was their bedtime. This was a carryover from their younger years when we tucked them into bed and said a prayer. When the teens were in bed but not asleep, I found them more in tune with talking about their day or their problems or whatever was on their mind. The relaxed atmosphere seems to work well for good communication. This is the type of communication that is foundational for the other times when you have to have a more difficult conversation. Try not to have those tougher conversations always at the same time or in the same place.

3. Have parent-child dates or hangout times. By the time kids are teenagers, they are very focused on their friends and peers. They literally are becoming individuals away from Mom and Dad, but most are willing to do something fun with their parents; they still like to eat or shop. My habit was to have a monthly date with each of my children. They got to pick the experience, within financial reason. For them it mainly had to do with food. Another friend of mine took each of his two sons to breakfast every week. They didn’t seem to mind getting up a bit earlier than usual before school. These days, his sons are married but live in the same area, and the weekly breakfast is still happening.

4. Walk around the block. My good friend John Townsend, author and speaker extraordinaire, regularly took his sons on a walk around the block. At first they would complain, he said, but about the second time around the block “the floodgates of communication would open.” Do whatever it takes to keep the communication lines open with your kids.

5. Listen more, talk less. A great deal of communication is listening. Listening is the language of love. We parents can have a difficult time really listening to our children. It often seems easier to lecture and scold, but the results aren’t the same as with listening. I’ve learned that sometimes my kids just want to talk and they really don’t want me to share my opinion. I had to learn to quit answering all their questions…before they asked them! For older teens, it might help if you ask their permission to share your opinion, saying something like, “Would you mind if I shared with you my perspective?” This gives them a feeling that you really care for them. Even when it comes to conflict, a principle John Rosemond shared has the best results: “The fewer words a parent uses, the more authoritative the parent sounds. The fewer words a parent uses, the clearer the instruction.”
 

Excerpted from Teenology by Jim Burns (Bethany House).