I can
think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off
with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say
or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is
simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry, please forgive me” often feels like it
costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix
it, instead of intentional reconciliation.
Unfortunately,
not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with
our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know
that they are the one who did
something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out
and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his
behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking
through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really
broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an
apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental
rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.
Saying
I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small
part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t
sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have
made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling
happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply
saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry, please forgive me.”
What is
it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology
and the one actually apologizing?
Apology
has the ability to disarm others of
their anger and to prevent further
misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done
sincerely and effectively, it can undo
the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones.…
So, the
next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker a
friend or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than
just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to
stay connected to and vulnerable with that person is on the line too. The words
“I’m sorry, please forgive me” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!
TRY THIS
The action point for this series is pretty
straightforward: Apologize to your student.
But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what
are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?
First of all, admit
that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with
our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally.
And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience
them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not
have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions
is incredibly important.
Secondly, a sincere
and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may
seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused.
But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept
responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has
the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your student says, “I’m
really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to
me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud
a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to
be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full
responsibility for your actions.
And lastly, there
should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to
remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not
done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if
you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and
angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And
then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise
what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so
that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the
action that hurt them in the first place.
Take some time to think through what a
meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say
the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry, please forgive me. Take that last step of asking for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness puts the ball in their court for true healing and restoration of what happened.
